Kink is consensual, partner abuse is not.
What is Kink?
Kink is an umbrella term for a group of behaviors and/or sexualities that involve negotiated and consensual erotic roleplaying in which participants use physical sensation, emotional control, and/or psychological drama to explore and experience fantasies. In kink relationships the negotiated giving and receiving of control is referred to as power exchange and can take the form of physical, psychological, sexual, and/or financial control.
Interest in kink crosses race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, educational level, sexual orientation, and gender identity. In the United States there are over 500 educational and social organizations that exist for kink/Leather/Fetish practitioners.
Kink is:
- Always consensual.
- Done with respect for limits.
- Enjoyed by all partners.
- Fun, erotic, and loving.
- Done with an understanding of trust.
- Never done with the intent to harm.
What is Consent?
Consent is the active and ongoing voluntary* permission given to engage in an activity in which all people involved have mutual understanding of the explicit behaviors to be engaged in and the necessary information to give, deny, or change permission at any moment.
*Voluntary – of one’s own free will; without the presence of coercion, pressure, substances, & exploitation of power.
It is not consent if:
- You did not expressly give consent.
- You are afraid to say no.
- You say yes to avoid conflict.
- You say yes to avoid consequences (e.g. a fight, losing a job, losing your home, being outed).
Common Terms:
Scene
Describes the negotiated interaction that takes place between two or more consenting adults. This is very much like a scripted role-play. It is also a term used to refer to the community as a whole. Someone might say that they are in “The Scene.”
Play
The specific action that occurs during a negotiated scene.
Safeword
A word or phrase that is agreed upon prior to the beginning of the scene. In instances where a person is temporarily unable to speak, a hand signal may be used. When this word is uttered or this signal is given, all play is stopped immediately. It is very much like saying “time-out.”
Negotiation
Communication between kink participants that occurs prior to a scene in which participants discuss their interests, set limits, and communicate the safeword to be used.
Limits
The boundaries that are discussed and set during the negotiation. These limits are set in order to make sure that the scene is pleasurable for all involved.
Top/Dominant
The person responsible for orchestrating the interaction. This is the person who administers the negotiated stimuli and sets the mood of the scene. These are general terms and many Tops or Dominants will use other titles (i.e. Master, Mistress, Goddess, Lady, Sir, Daddy).
Bottom/Submissive
The person who receives the stimuli that is administered by the Top. Although outwardly it may look as though the Bottom gives up control to the Top they actually maintain control by setting limits and by using a safeword that can stop all play. These are general terms and many Bottoms or Submissives will go by other identifications (i.e. slave, puppy, boy, boi, girl).
Switch
This person may enjoy playing as either a Top/Dominant or Bottom/Submissive. Some folks who identify as switches may indicate a preference for one or the other and others may have no preference at all. Interest in a particular role is very individual and may be dependent on the chemistry with a particular partner, the individual’s mood, or many other factors depending on the person.
24/7
Refers to negotiated play that happens 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This requires a great deal of negotiation and clear discussion of limits and boundaries.
What is Partner Abuse?
Partner abuse is a systemic pattern of behaviors where one person non-consensually uses power to try to control the thoughts, beliefs, body, and/or spirit of a partner.
You may be experiencing partner abuse if:
- You cannot withdraw consent and stop what’s happening at any time.
- You cannot express limits and needs without being ridiculed, criticized, or being coerced into changing them.
- Your partner threatens to out you for being into kink.
- You do not feel as though kink play enhances your relationship.
- You cannot refuse to do illegal activities.
- You are confused about when a scene begins or ends.
- You are afraid of your partner outside negotiated scenes.
- Your partner tells you that they have the right to control your behavior by virtue of gender, income, or other external factors.
- Your partner prevents you from interacting in the kink community or learning more about kink.
- You feel trapped in a specific role (i.e. submissive or dominant).
- Your partner ignores your safewords or tries to convince you not to use them.
- Your partner does not respect your safer sex practices.
- You do not feel free to express your personal beliefs, religion, sexual preference, gender identity, or interest in kink without fear of ridicule.
- Your partner forces/prohibits monogamy or non-monogamy.
Kink is consensual, partner abuse is not.
The most basic difference between kink and abuse is consent. Just because you consent to play does not mean you consent to everything. You have the right to set limits.
Abusive partners may use a number of ways to control their partner, none of which are acceptable in the context of a consensual and negotiated kink relationship. Kink is consensual, partner abuse is not.
For more information about kink, request our materials and request a training. You can also call our 24-hour free and confidential hotline for support. 800-832-1901
The Network/La Red does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy and gender identity), national origin, political affiliation, sexual orientation, marital status, disability, genetic information, age, membership in an employee organization, retaliation, parental status, military service, or other non-merit factor.
This portion of the webpage was written by Sabrina Santiago, MSW. Portions of this webpage were adapted from:
- The “BDSM vs. Abuse Policy Statement” created at the Leather Leadership Conference in 1998.
- “When Someone You Love is Kinky” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press 2000.
- “S/M is Not Abuse”– Buckeye Region Anti-Violence Organization (BRAVO).
- “What is S/M?” by Susan Wright and Charles Moser, www.ncsfreedom.org.