Partner Abuse in Kink Communities

“Researchers estimate that 5-10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis, with most incidents being either mild or stage activities involving no real pain or violence.”– Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex, 1990

What is Kink?

Kink stands for sadomasochism. Sadomasochism is sensual, erotic role-playing where participants use physical sensation, emotional control, and/or psychological drama to explore and experience fantasies. It can involve a consensual and negotiated playing with power and control The term kink is often used as an umbrella term for many different behaviors that can include other terms such as Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and submission (D/s), Master and slave (M/s), Sadism, Masochism, S&M, Fetish, Leather, Rough Sex, Power Exchange, Total Power Exchange (TPE), and many others.

This term is the generally accepted umbrella term for a broad group of behaviors that include, power exchange and the consensual giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation. The behaviors used in consensual kink are negotiated and involve the communication of limits and the use of a safeword that can stop all action at any time. kink play is about exploring a person’s fantasies and innermost desires, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Just as fantasies are specific to the individual, the way that folks practice and experience kink is also individual. It is therefore impossible to define kink in a way that will represent the experiences and desires of everyone.

Kink can include but is not limited to: tying a person’s hands during sex, erotic spanking, wearing a blindfold during sex, being flogged, cross-dressing, wearing leather or latex, or exploring painful stimuli and the resulting endorphins. Kink can be sensual, erotic, sexual, or completely non-sexual. No one person enjoys every behavior.

For many, kink is a type of erotic theater where fantasies can be acted out in safety. Some kink folk enjoy enacting fantasies in which one person is powerful (perhaps a Master, Top, or abductor) and one is powerless (perhaps a slave, bottom, or captive). Although outwardly it may look as though the Bottom gives up control to the Top, the Bottom actually maintains control by setting limits and by using a safeword that stops all action.

Some Important Definitions

Scene

Play

Safeword

Negotiation

Limits

Top/Dominant

Bottom/Submissive

Switch

SM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual

Over 25 years ago, the Kink/Leather/Fetish Community established a community-wide ethic known as “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”

Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing.
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Sane also refers to playing responsibly and not under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol that may impair your judgment or dull your senses.
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant. One of the most easily recognized ways to maintain limits is through use of a “safeword” – in which participants can withdraw consent at any time with a single word or gesture.

24/7

Just because you consent to play does not mean you consent to everything. You have the right to set limits. kink is not Abuse. The most basic difference between kink and abuse is consent.

It is not consent if

You did not expressly give consent.
You are afraid to say no.
You say yes to avoid conflict.
You say yes to avoid consequences (e.g. a fight, losing a job, losing your home, being outed).

You might be abused if…

You cannot withdraw consent and stop what’s happening at any time.
You cannot express limits and needs without being ridiculed, criticized, or being coerced into changing them.
Your partner threatens to out you for being into kink.
You do not feel as though kink play enhances your relationship.
You cannot refuse to do illegal activities.
You are confused about when a scene begins or ends.
You are afraid of your partner outside negotiated scenes.
Your partner tells you that they have the right to control your behavior by virtue of gender, income, or other external factors.
Your partner prevents you from interacting in the kink community or learning more about kink.
You feel trapped in a specific role (i.e. submissive or dominant).
Your partner ignores your safewords or tries to convince you not to use them.
Your partner does not respect your safer sex practices.
You do not feel free to express your personal beliefs, religion, sexual preference, gender identity, or interest in kink without fear of ridicule.
Your partner forces/prohibits monogamy or non-monogamy

Interest in kink crosses race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, educational level, sexual orientation, and gender identity. In the United States there are over 500 educational and social organizations that exist for kink/Leather/Fetish practitioners.

For more information about kink, contact The New England Leather Alliance:
PO Box 51361
Boston MA 02205-1361
Office: 857-293-9502

For additional resources, request our materials and/or call our 24-hour free and confidential hotline for support.

Voice: 617-742-4911 • Toll Free: 800-832-1901

The Network/La Red does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy and gender identity), national origin, political affiliation, sexual orientation, marital status, disability, genetic information, age, membership in an employee organization, retaliation, parental status, military service, or other non-merit factor.

This portion of the webpage was written by Sabrina Santiago, MSW; and was developed through collaboration between The Network/La Red and The New England Leather Alliance. Portions of this webpage were adapted from:

The “BDSM vs. Abuse Policy Statement” created at the Leather Leadership Conference in 1998.
“When Someone You Love is Kinky” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press 2000.
“S/M is Not Abuse”– Buckeye Region Anti-Violence Organization (BRAVO).
“What is S/M?” by Susan Wright and Charles Moser, www.ncsfreedom.org.

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PARTNER ABUSE IN POLYAMOROUS COMMUNITIES